at 2 am on a thursday morning, i got the phone call from my mom about scott being in the hospital. i first remembered of my dad, whom my mom said she had called already. my next thoughts turned toward my other brother steve. he has lived on the other side of the world in china for the past 5 years. he has had the isolating experience of hearing the family news over email or internet phone, that is if we can get a hold of him. this is the way i told steven that he was going to be an uncle for the first time, or how steven consoled me after my father-in-law passed away. it was how my brother, on his birthday, found out that scottie had lost 3 fingers on his hand in the log splitter accident.after hearing about scottie, i knew that steve would feel helpless & confused being 7,410 miles away. none of us were exactly sure what to tell him either. on top of everything else, my dad, mom & i were all in extreme denial. we knew that scott hadn't been breathing for a significant amount of time; that his heart stopped & they were able to bring him back. but we had to believe that he would get better. at that moment, the thought of him not making it was too much to consider.
my mom told me that dad was going to email steve later in the morning, & i immediately felt uneasy. i remembered how upset steve was when hearing about scott's accident 4 years ago, how he seriously contemplated coming home & how sad he was not to be here to comfort us, how he couldn't be comforted by us. i convinced my dad to call him, that by hearing his voice steven would be more reassured than reading some vague, upsetting words on the computer screen. not surprisingly, my brother called my mom & me at the hospital right after he got the news. dad, having just been with scott for nearly half of the year & therefore being the deepest in denial, made it seem like scott would ultimately be okay & that steve should stay in china. i had to tell him otherwise. & as the day progressed with the outcome becoming more clear & dire, i had to tell my brother steve that our brother scott wasn't going to survive.
i listened to him breakdown, & waited on the phone for as long as he needed me. the one person in the world that i could relate to was on the other side of the globe. it wasn't like we were alone: i had my family & he luckily had his very supportive girlfriend. but for 24 years it was us 3, my brothers & me. we had memories that no one else knew. we had jokes that no one else would think were funny. we had made-up songs, hand shakes, games during long car rides, & deep seeded holiday rituals. in the end, we believed we would always have each other, despite our hardships or being far apart.
steven asked me to talk to scott, in case he couldn't make it to the hospital in enough time. i put my phone on speaker mode & held it up to scottie's ear. i listened, destitute & filled with sorrow, while my one brother pleaded with my other brother to fight & hang on to his life. steve cried as he asked for forgiveness for their years of brotherly bickering & apologized living so far away. he lamented the fact that scott wouldn't be around for his future milestones, like getting married & having kids. steven assured our brother that we didn't care what he had done, that we didn't want to go through life without him, that we didn't want him to move on without knowing how much we would always love him. steven caught an early flight out of shanghai & made it to philadelphia by early afternoon on friday. my family, miraculously, would be able to stay with scott leading up to the moment they took him off of life support.
it is an awful loss when a sibling dies young. i had so many dreams for my brothers & me. i would envision steven moving back to the US & living in philadelphia. i would dream about scott eventually getting clean, finding a job & settling down. i saw them both getting married & having kids & all of the cousins would be best friends. i could see us coming together for every holiday, something we never got to do with my mom's or my dad's brothers because we lived too far away. it is near impossible to let go of those desires. i still have them. i think i will always mourn them.
it has been an immeasurable blessing to have steven around the fast few weeks; to see him be an uncle to my son; to have a reminder that i still have a brother; to relive the memories of scottie with someone who shares those same visions; to experience a common hope in a unknowable & somewhat imperfect future. i am not looking forward to him making the 7,410 mile trip back across the world. but i am so thankful to have him. & i hope he knows how sorry am for any of our silly sibling fights; that it doesn't matter what he has done or will do in the future.. i will always love him.
Thank you again Sarah. Everyday I look forward to reading your journaling. We can all learn from you.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was out there on drugs my family had nothing to do with me. Nikki wanted nothing to do with me. I was completely alienated from my brother and sisters.
It seems to me that you were always there for Scottie, that you were very close, but it is really, really hard to see someone you love going down hill. It is frightening, uncertain, you just don't know. I just see you as being a really great big sister, and you were entitled to get pissed off when it really got to you. You still showed love and compassion.
I remember how upset you were when Scottie lost his fingers. I remember that Mewithoutyou was playing in SF. I can't remember if you were there or if you went back to be with him. All I can remember is thinking how torn up you were. It was either by you or someone else on the bus. I think you were there though. I remember thinking how Scottie was born on the same day as Blakey. I remember wondering what he looked like, if he had a beautiful smile like yours. When I met him in my last visit to Philly, I saw he seemed very happy. It doesn't seem at all like he isolated himself from you or you from him. It seemed like he knew what everyone was up to and that he was in the loop with things. This is just the way it looked through my eyes.
(I have to break this into 2 comment posts)
(Continued from above)
ReplyDeleteWhen I volunteered on Haight Street there were the kids that came in that were always happy and so appreciative that I had made them French toast or a grilled cheese sandwich. I really loved to see how a simple grilled cheese sandwich or pancakes and eggs would make the kids so, so happy. This is how I feel Scottie was. The type of young man that would really love a nice breakfast and show such appreciation. This is how I picture Scottie. Then there were times when the same young people would come in and be really quiet, not much to say, sort of sad looking. I would go sit next to them and try and make small talk, or just sit there making myself available if they wanted to talk to me, but you could tell, they just wanted to be left alone, but always polite and appreciative. Once, one of the young men, I like to call them my kids, he would stop by every now and then, usually very upbeat, he came in and I didn't recognize him. Someone had beat the shit out of him and his face was so black and blue and swollen, he resembled a lion. How could someone do this to him. He didn't want to talk about it. Something about being drunk and someone beating him up. I wanted to investigate who did this and go ape shit on them like mama bear would. Many, many times I left Haight Street Referral Center and I would just cry my eyes out. On rainy nights I would worry about where they were sleeping.
The reason I am going into all of this is because they were not ready for help yet. They had their community and lots of drugs and drinking. They just were not ready for the services offered. Many of these kids may not make it, I pray that they find peace and want to change their lives.
I would sort of listen in when some of the kids would call home, there was a phone for them to call where ever they wanted, I could hear them saying "hi grandma" "hi mom or dad" I'm ok, just hanging out in
San Francisco right now, probably going to Oregon next week or where ever they were going. Some calls I could just feel the concern on the other end of the phone.
All these kids are children of God. I would often wonder, what happened to them. They were once someones baby. Who took care of them, why are they living on the streets? They are so smart, creative, lovable, appreciative. I know that many of the kids came from group homes or bad environments, but there were many who just chose that path even though they had a family that loved them.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Although I didn't know Scottie except from what I would hear you or someone else from Philly say, I feel that I do know him. I really, really do.
My heart aches for you and your family. God bless you all. I was unable to talk to your mom yesterday, I think she was having a bad day, but I look forward to talking with her soon. She is a sweet, kind person. I can't imagine what she is going through.
Thank you again for journaling. You are helping me to see things I would never had seen. You have helped me to see how precious life is and how quickly it can be gone. Not to squabble over the small stuff, save it for the big stuff that really pisses you off. Life is precious, a mother should never have to see her child die before her. I wonder what would happen if this happened to me. I can't imagine. Dear God please help Pam, who has gone through the worst thing a mother can go through.
As always, I am always thinking about you and your family. Peace.
Love Mary - Nikki's mum.
Sarah this article very much resonates with me, we both love Steven so much and I understand for the family how hard it must be not having him around in the past a couple of years when all the things happened. I hope you guys could spend more time together and Harry will be able to recognize his Uncle. Be well and I am thinking of you all. Looking forward to reading your next blog post.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Beibei