in about an hour, my brother will have been dead a week. needless to say, it has been the most difficult time of my life. my mom, brother, husband, & brother in law were in the operating room when scott's heart stopped beating. we were in bright Barney purple scrubs & hairnets. the surgeons & staff were ready to operate as soon as we left to take scottie's organs away in hopes of saving some other people's lives. it was so cold & dark. we sang, "i'll fly away! oh glory. i'll fly away! when i die, hallelujah by & by! i'll fly away!" as i watched the red line get flatter & flatter on the monitor. i remember saying "thank you GOD for giving scott to us." i heard the staff behind me crying with us.
he was pronounced at 11:29. on january 21, 2011. my brother in law's birthday. almost 6 months after my father in law passed away. the day after my husband's birthday.
before going into the OR, mary, from the gift of life program, commended us for the giving of scott's organs. but really we were just doing what he wanted to do his whole life. it seemed too obvious. she said that we'd be invited to a banquet for families of organ donors in 2012; & i remember losing it. it was like she was telling me i'd be without my brother for the next year.
how am i supposed to live without him? how do i explain to my son, or my future children about their scuncle? i used to joke around with mike that harry would say, "what's wrong with uncle scott?" because he was always so loud, smelly, dirty & drumming unabashedly with his nub.
when i picture the rest of my life without scottie, i feel paralyzed. i can't breathe. i know i'll always have my memories & pictures & home videos. i believe that he is nearby, in the air, a part of him always in my heart. but selfishly i want him to call me. to show up on my porch. to take off his god awful stinky shoes, go upstairs & wash his feet. to sit on my couch & let penny lick his face all over. to teach harry a paradiddle; & what it means to love. i want him to tell me he loves me. & i want to tell him that i love him.
i believe that god is showing himself through all of my friends, family, & scott's friends. he is sustaining me with food made lovingly through neighbors' hands. i can even manage to smile at the roses on my dining room table & the tiny paper cranes that came in the mail today. i feel so much love from people who are still writing to me, telling me they are sorry, they love me, they are thinking of me... it doesn't matter really. i am just so so so thankful for so many things. but especially for the life of my brother. who obviously touched so many people. who was hurting & in pain, but still managed to love & care for everyone. he loved others more than he did himself.
my dad has a sweet story of scott that i'll end with. within the last couple of months, my dad was driving scott home from a doctor's appointment when he heard scott yell, "dad pull over!" so he did & scottie ran out of the passenger's seat towards about a half dozen street guys he didn't know hanging out on some park benches. my dad saw scott passing out his cigarettes & soon later ran back to the car. as he was getting in, he says, "man those guys are awesome!"
may we all be able to show such love...
thank you Scottie, for showing us the way.
amen & amen.
