currently, cursing has become my bridge to loving

lately i've been looking into finding a grief support group. there are so many to choose from. but i specifically wanted to find one that dealt with the death of a family member due to overdosing. i didn't know if they even existed. addicts have lots of stigmas attached to them.. as does death from overdosing, which goes without saying. i'm sure it is difficult for someone on the outside to understand what my family is going through.. hell it's hard for us to understand what we're going through. it's simple to see addicts as having the power to "say no" & take control of their lives. but only now am i beginning to see that this is so far from the truth. my brother wasn't merely some bad guy who abandoned his family for drugs. scottie, as a doctor so aptly put it at the hospital, had a terminal illness. with cancer or heart disease, you can rationalize someone's death because they had a physical sickness that ultimately overtook them. my brother, as an addict, had a mental sickness that ultimately overtook him just the same.

i found a group called GRASP, grief recovery after a substance passing. it was founded by a couple who lost their son due to a drug overdose. there is a group that meets in philly every wednesday night so i emailed fran, a woman who lost her son nearly 3 years ago & facilitator of the local chapter. she wrote me a tender caring email, filled with sympathy & sadness. although i had never met her, i felt like she understood me. my friends have been wonderful.. some going beyond anything i could have imagined to show me love. & i sincerely appreciate every single one of them. but not many can know what it's like to have a sibling as an addict. & none know what it's like to have one overdose & die. it is reassuring to know that there are others out there who can tangibly relate to what i am going through. it's not just watching a son, or brother die so young & suddenly, but to have watched him struggle with drugs & alcohol for years; to think that you had something to do with his addiction; to believe that you could have saved him if you tried hard & long enough; to have had so many hopes for a future that will never come, & mourn those along with the loss of your family.

fran also passed along another email with the 5 steps of grieving. the first & most recognized being denial. the second undervalued step is anger. the authors of the article write, "anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless." i never really considered myself an angry person, but lately i feel so much of it & i had no idea where it was coming from. i don't feel it towards scottie or god or even myself. unfortunately, i feel irritation with the 2 things in my life that are most innocent & loving: my dog & my son. i am angry at their neediness & that i can't leave the room for a second without penny following me & harry crying for me to come back. i'm angry that harry's been a little sick & therefore hasn't been sleeping well; neither have i. i'm angry that penny barks incessantly at anyone who comes to the door, even our roommates, & consistently locks herself in the bathroom just so i will let her out again. but i can't explain that to either of them. to them, i am their world. they always want to be around me, & i constantly feel like i'm giving & giving. but right now i have nothing left to give.

according to the article, i am assured that:
"there are many other emotions under the anger & you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. the truth is that anger has no limits... underneath anger is pain, your pain. it is natural to feel deserted & abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. anger is strength & it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. at first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. then you get angry at someone... suddenly you have structure - your anger towards them. the anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. it is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing. we usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it."

but here comes the best part: "the anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love."

i think deep down, i am allowing myself to feel anger towards my dog & my baby boy because they won't remember this or hold it against me & they love me regardless.

hopefully soon this anger will pass. i'm sure some sleep, a healthier baby & the dog whisperer couldn't hurt. but for now i know i have to feel any emotion with intensity as it comes. & allow myself some grace & curse words. because i am just connecting, & feeling, & being alive.. & ultimately i am deepening my capacity to love.