yesterday i had my first extended period without thinking of scottie. my dad & his girlfriend, nancy took my uncle chip, steven, harry & i to an aquarium in sarasota called mote marina. for a good 2-3 hours scott failed to flit through my memory. i didn't wonder what it would be like if he was with us. i didn't reminisce of other times that scott & i were in a similar, or even a not so similar situation. i didn't get pains in my stomach, knowing that scott would never be able to enjoy a day like that with us in the future. i didn't miss him at all, because i hadn't thought about him for even a second.
instead i studied the sea creatures swimming in glass cages because i would probably never see them in the wild. i happily watched my brother bond with his nephew, whom he never gets to see living so far away in shanghai. i saw how happy harry was to be carried around in the front pack & see sharks, jellyfish, blowfish & lots of other life that he probably wouldn't remember, for the first time. i enjoyed not having to carry my heavy son around, marveled at the seahorse couplings entwining their tails around each other, relived my childhood fantasy of becoming a dolfin trainer while watching them jump through the air during their teaching session.
it saddens me to realize that scott's death will surely become more normal in my life. as time passes, & it always does, we will become more & more used to him not being around. & the frequency of my thoughts of him will become fewer & fewer. just 2 weeks ago, he was the only thing i could consider. now, he is already fading, like an old photograph on the wall succumbing to the sun's harmful rays. i want to keep scott a vivid reality, without sorrow or detachment; just like the plants on my windowsill: i watch them grow & water them as needed. but even moreso i want him to be with me when harry says his first word & distinguishes a pelican from any other bird. i want to lay next to him on the beach until it gets too hot & we race elegantly into the water, like baywatch lifeguards. i want to find sand dollars, & sand crabs by the bucketfulls, for the sheer pleasure of collecting, & leave them on the surf at the end of a long day.
i guess i'll have to get through today, & forgive myself for not inviting scottie into every second of my life. tomorrow may be harder.. but it may be easier still.. & i'll have to learn to take whatever comes & be okay.
He's always with me. He will always be with you. The good memories are replacing the tough ones. Even new memories are forming as I see him guide me through these days and feel his presence surround me. The ways he is making sure he is still there for me, probably in ways he couldn't be before.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine a day going by without a thought of him. How could that ever happen? It seems like the ultimate betrayal. Yet, I know that as time goes on, the frequency of these moments with him, and the need to keep him alive through them will begin to diminish as he helps me find a way to relate to him in a less suffocating way. Does that make sense?