21 days later: harry's first birthday

yesterday, february 11, 2011, was my son harry's first birthday. it also marked 3 weeks since my brother scottie died. in the morning harry & i were driving to playgroup & i couldn't help but think about what i was doing at that moment 21 days ago. at that point my mom & i knew that scottie wasn't going to make it. the doctor had told us that he wasn't sure if scott was "dead" yet. he explained that there were 2 ways of declaring someone deceased. the first is obvious & a little easier to rationalize; it is when the heart stops beating. the second is difficult; it is when the brain stops functioning. in scott's case, his heart was beating (with help from numerous amounts of drugs) & his lungs were breathing (because of a machine) so it's simple to look at him & convince yourself that he is going to get better with some time & hospital elbow grease. but we could tell from pretty early on, through the sympathetic looks of the nurses & somber tones of the doctors, that things weren't looking too hopeful.

so 3 weeks ago, around the same time i was driving harry to play with his little friends, hospital staff from the neurological department were preforming tests on scott to see if he could, in fact, be declared brain dead. they gave my mom & i the choice if we wanted to stay in the room & watch, & we did. i knew that scott would never be the brother that i had once known. we figured out that scottie hadn't been breathing for around 40 minutes, not the 20 minutes we first thought. either way, 4 minutes without oxygen to the brain usually results in brain damage at the very least. i think i just wanted the reassurance, or to be there if something miraculous did happen. the doctor yelled loudly in his ears, checked for pupil dilation, pinched his appendages, & tickled his feet. there was no reaction. you could see the doctor's slight shake of his head & whisper to his assistant. he explained to us that since scott had so many drugs in his system prior to coming into the hospital, they would have to wait until all of them were fully cleared before pronouncing him brain dead. but regardless, it wasn't appearing that he had any kind of activity. later, they would come back & pour cold water in his ears. a healthy brain would cause the eyes to move in the direction of the water, even if the person was unconscious. scottie's usually clear blue eyes, that matched everyone's eyes in my family, remained cloudy & blank as they stared at the ceiling.

my own blue pupils began to flood with tears as i watched the philadelphia skyline pass around me. i looked to the left of me & noticed the "gift of life" building looming overhead. i must have seen it hundreds of times before, but that moment was the first time i really contemplated it. 3 weeks ago, mary from the gift of life organization, was working hard to find recipients for scott's organs. she was tender & compassionate with us; she listened to scottie stories, looked lovingly at the photos we had brought in of him when scott was vibrant & alive, & cried with us when she couldn't remain strong. 21 days later, scottie's kidneys were being kept alive in 2 other bodies.

as much i thought of my brother's death 3 weeks ago, i relived the beautiful birth of my baby boy 1 year ago: my unbelievably quick progression of labor in the morning; mike groggily digging the car out of the snow from the previous day's blizzard, driving us through red lights on the slippery streets with the blinkers on to the birthing center; at 1:16 pm feeling my full power of being a woman, reaching down to pull out my miracle child,  & announcing that he was a boy. it was the brightest, most wonderful day of my life...

scottie was so excited to be an uncle. since my labor had advanced so swiftly, i wasn't able to make the "just so you know" phone calls to all of my family members, like scottie. he found out that i was in labor through my mom. with his ingenuity & tenacity, he took public transportation from new jersey to philadelphia to the bryn mawr hospital, even though for the past 9 months he knew we had been preparing to deliver at the birth center. my mom, in the middle of holding up my right leg during some intense contractions, got a phone call from scottie saying he was at the hospital & he couldn't find me. luckily, we were just down the road & he made it there to hold his tiny new nephew.

last night mike & i had a small party for successfully completing harry's first year, proud of the fact that we had kept him alive & ourselves relatively sane. our friends came over to celebrate with us. & i was again reminded how loved my little threesome is, how we are unconsciously & continually taken care of.  when the last person left, i looked at the time & it was nearing the moment of scott's final breath. i solemnly replayed those last minutes & realized that maybe scottie, with his ingenuity & tenacity, is still taking care of me, of harry, & the rest of my family. maybe i can't find him now.. but i know he will always find me.