about faith & marriage

tomorrow, mike & i will celebrate our 6 year anniversary. our ride together has been a roller coaster. a few years ago, we were separated. our unfounded & unrealistic belief that we were a near perfect couple & we didn't have to work on issues blew up in our innocent faces. after 7 years of being together, we took each other & our relationship for granted. we ended up living apart for 9 months. it was a profoundly dark & lonely time for both of us. scottie also took it very hard. i think he was forced to relive feelings of abandonment & extreme sorrow as a byproduct of my parent's divorce. but despite the dim outlook, he never gave up on mike & me. in the end, he may have been the only one to never fully submit to our break-up.

mike & i met when i was 19, a sophomore in college. he was 23 & had just graduated from temple. it was about 2 and a half years after my dad left. scottie was only 14 & took to mike immediately. he would tell me that he liked mike more than any of my previous boyfriends. scott loved that mike was a musician & valued his taste in bands. he would brag to his friends that his sister was dating mike from mewithoutyou. i think mike took on a fatherly role that was lacking in my brother's life. likewise, mike became very close to scottie & grew to think of him as a little brother. as scottie got older & formed his own bands, we would go & watch him preform at bowling alleys & school auditoriums. to my delight & mike's embarassment, one group even covered a mewithoutyou song, rather shoddily but very endearingly.

scott got caught smoking pot a year or 2 later. he got into drinking & eventually doing other kinds of drugs. we could see him & my mom falling into depression. at some point he threatened suicide & spent a short time in the mental hospital. mike & i decided to let scottie come on a brief tour with the band, maybe to inspire him with music, maybe to convince him that he didn't need to drink or do drugs, maybe just to reassure him that he was loved. we gave him some ground rules that even then, at about 17 years old, he wasn't able to obey. i left him by himself in the bus one afternoon & returned to smelled beer on his breath. he denied it, saying he had just rinsed his mouth with mouthwash. it was one of the first times he lied to my face. by then, the relationships scottie had with the rest of my family were slowly deteriorating, but i know my brother & i had a special bond that, until that point, was unwavering. i was so hurt by his betrayal, & ultimately he was too. he went to lie in a bunk in the back of the bus & cried. my brother told me that he didn't want to deceive me, that i was the one person he didn't want to upset. but after that, it became increasingly difficult for me to trust him again.

however scottie was never one to give up that easily on another. he equally stuck by mike & me during our separation. he would visit mike at our house & call to make sure that he was doing alright. he would tell me how upset mike was & how much he wanted me back. at the time, i was in too much pain to hear him. but scottie wouldn't stop voicing his desire to see us reconcile, long after it appeared that the rest of our families had given up hope.

he was with me when mike & i were brought back together. i met scottie at rittenhouse square. it was a beautiful & sunny day in april. it was one of those days that people long for after a cold, dark, lonely winter that never seemed to end. scottie was walking me through the park & introducing me to his friends. i mentioned that i was thinking about calling mike, to see if he wanted to meet up. the weeks prior, i had done a great deal of soul searching & been given a change of heart. i wanted to see if mike was feeling the same way, if somehow we could miraculously reconnect, despite all the shit we had endured. mike agreed to meet us. i could see how happy scott was, how strongly he was wishing for what mom & dad weren't able to do.

we convened in the middle of the park, a short distance from where scottie's memorial would one day take place. it was awkward for mike & me, having spent only short amounts of time together for the past 9 months. i was so scared.. wondering what was eventually going to happen between us. we all could agree that we were hungry & decided to have pizza together. it was there, in front of scott, that i told mike that i loved him. that i was sorry for all i had done, & took responsibility for my part in our failed marriage. but i had learned to forgive him & to forgive myself. then i asked him to take me back. at first he was reluctant. too much damage had been done. too much hurt had been committed that couldn't be rescinded. i told him that i understood, as tears fell down my cheeks, amidst the other paying customers of allegro's pizza.

scott went outside to smoke a cigarette & saw mike's brother aaron riding by on his bike. he flagged him down & pointed to mike & me inside. aaron came in smiling, hugged me & kissed me, & told me that he loved me. i earnestly told him that i loved him too. it was at that fleeting moment of love that mike believed we could miraculously overcome our past, that we could somehow make it. after pizza, i immediately moved back home & we tenderly cared for our marriage hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute, like a delicate newborn. we would focus on each other & ourselves, & move forward together, trying with god's help to not look back.

of course, it goes without saying that marriage is rough. every relationship goes through hard times, whether they are parental, sibling, workplace, or maybe with your intolerable neighbor. when you pledge to remain someone's partner - someone's one & only other, through the birth of babies & inconceivable betrayals, it takes a whole lot of work & faith in your partner, but also in yourself. & it doesn't hurt to know you have a little brother always in your corner who never stopped, & will never stop believing in you.