mamacita

this past weekend, i celebrated being a mother. my little family of 3 went to the adventure aquarium in camden, new jersey. mike & i lovingly & proudly watched harry marvel at the sea life. at first he was scared. i don't think he understood that the fish were trapped behind transparent glass. so when one particularly large & terrifying looking fish lazily changed its direction & swam directly towards harry, he shrieked & shook his head & frantically waved it away. mike & i hadn't planned on having harry when we found out that i was pregnant. we were shocked & scared & it took almost 9 months for us to warm up to the idea. but parenthood is one of the best things that has happened to us, as individuals & as a couple. i can't imagine being without him. in fact, even at only 15 months, it's almost impossible to remember life before him.

it seems unnatural to have a child pass away before the parent. i know it was a nightmare for my mom, having to say goodbye to her youngest son decades too soon. when scottie was young, he was a major mama's boy. he always claimed my mother's lap, while i jealously resigned to being glued to her side. when my dad left, scottie took it as his job to take care of my mom & protect her. but this wasn't supposed to be his job. he was only 11 years old.

their relationship was filled with ups & downs. they had so much love for each other, but i think they both expected things of each other that they couldn't give. mom wanted scottie to be like her other children, to abide by the rules & listen dutifully to what she said. & he wanted her to leave him to be who he was: a hippie painter & musician who loved drugs & girls, & hated authority & waking up in the morning. scottie was never one to give into an argument. if he wanted something, he would work every angle to ensure that it would go his way. as a kid, it was almost endearing. his persuasion, along with his chubby cheeks & syrupy smile, could easily melt the hardest of hearts, even my grandpa parker. but as he got older, his coercion turned more towards bullying & nagging. it got harder to take a stand against him. especially after he cut himself & threatened suicide. we were afraid & no one wanted to push him over the edge.

strangely, my mom's teenage years were also filled with turmoil, drug-use, & extreme depression. which is probably some of the reason why it was so hard to watch her son willingly go down such a similar & difficult path. with the help & motivation of my father, she cleaned herself up for the most part, & got married. a couple months after her 24th birthday, my mom discovered she was pregnant with me. she quit smoking, & immediately her life changed drastically & was given a new purpose. after a long pregnancy & scary unforeseen cesarean, her daughter was born. there was no looking back for my mom. less than 2 years later steven was born, & 3 1/2 years after that, scott david.  

she was such a fun mother. my friends would talk to her about boys & sex & things they couldn't discuss with their parents. she dutifully drove us to all of our soccer practices, ballet classes, piano lessons, friends' houses, the shore or the lake, great adventure, chicago or florida or wisconsin or all three to visit my grandparents. she was patient when we were whiny & mean. she relearned math so she could help with my homework. she cooked us amazingly balanced dinners almost every night & we always ate together in our designated places at the table. my brothers & i had no doubt that she loved us, & not just because she told us all the time. 

with scottie's death came a lot of doubt for my mom. she continues to question her parenting decisions & goes over what she could or maybe should have done differently. i'm sure this is normal & probably something she has to do in order to forgive herself. but this last weekend, on a sunday where a mother is supposed to be lifted up & graciously acknowledged for raising children, my mom was lamenting the loss of her son - who at one time made her breakfast with his brother & sister, deliberately scribbled on haphazardly folded construction paper, & joyfully commandeered her lap - who would never call her to say "happy mother's day," or "i love you mom" ever again. 

i look at harry. there are times when he drives me nuts; like when i've been with him all day long & he still wants me to hold him & i just want a moment for myself. or when he wakes up at the crack of dawn & i just want a few more hours of rest after a painful night of waking up every couple hours. but he smiles as me, exhales "mama" with such beautiful relief & contentment, & leans his forehead towards my lips for a long kiss, & i'm pretty sure i could die if he was taken from me. because he is me & i am him. more than anything else in the world. the cutting of the umbilical cord was only physical; the spiritual & emotional connection can never been broken. just like my mom & i are always inseverable. like my mom & steven. & my mom & scottie. 

my brother, a couple months after his own 24th birthday, was taken from this world entirely too early. but the invisible cord still holds him tightly to my mom. i hope that harry chooses to walk a different path than mine. one filled with confidence, strength, love, & grace. & that when he wanders & strays, i hope that i can handle it the same way, with confidence, strength, love, & grace. & when the world seems too hard for me to bear, i will go to my original life sustenance to help keep me afloat. i know i won't have too go far. she's always right here...