"He allowed himself to be swayed by his conviction that human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but that life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves." - Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

my friend is due to have her baby this weekend. realistically, the likelihood of giving birth on her "due date" is somewhere around 4 or 5%. so unless she erupts into labor within the next few days, she'll become one of the many mothers who impatiently crosses off her assumed birthing day, her skin stretched beyond what seems comprehensible, her joints pulled to their limits, all the while having to simultaneously urinate & scarf down antacids to feel somewhat comfortable. growing up i had a rather skewed vision of pregnancy & the birth experience. i was five when my mom was pregnant with my youngest brother, scott. although we didn't know if the baby was going to be a boy or girl, we knew that it was going to be born on november 20, 1986, since my mom had undergone 2 prior cesareans with my brother & me. i remember being so excited, helping mommy organize all the baby's clothes, diapers, bibs, & toys. steven & i went to visit mommy & the new baby, which to my immediate dismay turned out to be another brother. but when i saw him, he was perfect. i recall seeing my mommy's scars from being cut open & having little scott david, the name we had all agreed on if he had turned out to be a 'he,' taken out of her belly. & for a long time, longer than i'd like to admit, i thought that cesareans were the norm. when i played with my barbie dolls, some of whom just happened to burst into pregnancy, their offspring were cut from their unrealistic frames. then barbie was sewed back up, put on her favorite tiny purple dress & mismatched high heels, & went on her merry way to live happily ever after in her homemade house with her eerily similar looking barbie friends. when i finally discovered how babies were supposed to be born, the way nature had intended it, i was shocked, sickened, & secretly hoped that my future baby would become stuck like i had so that i could have a cesarean & not have to push something so large through something so tiny.

when i found out i was pregnant with harry, mike & i were completely freaked out. we had just reunited after being separated for about 9 months, we didn't have health insurance, & probably most importantly, we had no idea what it meant to be parents. we were used to living for ourselves, doing whatever we wanted, having the future open to us without any obstructions. a baby would take us out of what we were used to, & at first we thought it was going to be a bad thing. a couple days after i took the pregnancy test (or 3 or 4 of them), we were going on a long tour with mike's band in a crowded, dirty bus across the country. we decided to keep the pregnancy between us until we got back from tour, found a doctor, & miraculously got on some kind of insurance plan. after endless reading & researching & finding out what it actually means to be pregnant, i slowly became excited & fascinated by the tiny little parasite growing inside of me. i grew to embrace my xx chromosomes, my extremely fertile uterus, my breasts that i could already feel growing full, & all the thousands of uniquely feminine characteristics that used to terrify me. i decided i wanted to deliver at the birth center, in bryn mawr, pennsylvania.

the midwives & nurses there were always encouraging me to trust & listen my body, which was something i had been channeling in my life during my counseling sessions. it was just like being in tune with my thoughts & feelings, & not being afraid of them like i had been for so many years. i was becoming empowered not only as a woman, but as 'sarah,' a person i hadn't necessarily liked was turning into someone i loved, had confidence in, & could trust. i also learned that if i couldn't have my baby naturally - if he came out too early or too late, if unforeseen complications arose, or if labor become much longer & harder than expected - i wasn't a horrible mother or terrible person. knowing your limits & graciously living within them has been very freeing & empowering for me.

my due date was set for february 8, 2010. i realize that in theory you're supposed to want your baby to gain weight & carry to full term. but the last month is so brutal. especially when it's the worst winter in philadelphia's recorded history & you are afraid to leave the house because you don't want to slip on the ice. & anyways you've been feeling like humpty dumpty who's always teetering on the edge of falling over. so i just nestled into the couch, trying to find any position that would be comfortable for more than 15 minutes before having to rock myself back off the couch & waddle up to the bathroom. & then repeat.

but i figured my little "boo" knew what was best. so i waited, through birth center appointments, multiple blizzards, & then my due date. i found myself convinced that i'd probably end up pregnant another 2 weeks, trying castor oil, spicy foods, pressure points & sex to induce labor. on february 10th, another epic snow storm hit philadelphia & the city was incapacitated. the next day i woke up around 7, after another miserable night's sleep, & went to the bathroom, as per usual. i had cramps, but i thought it was just my "morning ritual," if you know what i mean. but when i wiped there was blood on the the toilet paper & instead of the cramps going away, they grew in frequency & intensity. i guess this is it, i remember thinking. i went back to bed, believing that i would probably be in inactive labor (the first stage of giving birth) for another 12 hours. i nudged mike awake & said, "just so you know... i think i'm in labor." he smiled groggily & with surprising alertness, that i've rarely seen him possess so early in the morning, responded with, "i should go dig out the car." i told him not to worry about it yet, that i'd most likely be in labor for a while. but he rationally & quickly got dressed, put on his coat & boots, & shoveled the snow off of our nearly hidden volkswagen.

i tried to go back to sleep, to rejuvenate for my imminent delivery. but the pains were becoming too hard to ignore... & i remembered that i hadn't yet packed my "birth bag." i got up & gathered my rice-filled socks for my back, my extra clothes, the baby's first outfit, cds with laboring music. but i had to stop & brace myself frequently as the contractions came & went. it became evident rather quickly that my inactive labor wasn't going to be as long as i was told it could be. i started to time them & they were coming in at less than 4 minutes apart. at my birth class, i was told to call at 4-1-1, when my contractions were 4 minutes apart, lasted for a minute & had been going on for an hour. but i listened to my body & trusted it when it told me to call the midwife regardless. i managed to say something like this: "hi. i know i'm not supposed to call until it's 4-1-1... but my contractions are coming faster than 4 minutes & i've had them for about 30 minutes & i don't think i should wait." just by the sound of my voice, she told me to come right in.