my brother's brother

tomorrow will make 6 months since my brother died. sunday will make an entire year of living without my father in law. i found out this morning that one of my brother's best friends died yesterday morning. i'm not sure how much more pain my tender heart can take.

scottie had so many friends in so many groups in various parts of the country it was easy to forget some. or have your eyes glaze over when he told another tale about their asinine antics or reckless behavior. but ryan... he wasn't easily dismissible - in demeanor or appearance. he has beautiful super long, super straight hair that would drive any girl i know insanely jealous. he wore the same smelly, dirt dyed, threadbare bajas & shirts with the sleeves cut off that scottie liked to wear. he had the energy to match a puppy who'd been left alone all day. or a 17 month old toddler. he could talk the ear off of a deaf person. & my brother adored him. they enjoyed telling people they were brothers, & watch them as their eyes darted back & forth, trying to figure out if they were lying.

i saw ryan at rittenhouse the week after scott died at a vigil his friends were holding. i remember wanting to see him in particular. although he could be loud & irritating, he was so much like my brother that it was comforting. it's like those ratty pair of shoes you can't get rid of - they fit too perfectly & have walked so many miles with you. you can't bear the thought of throwing them out, even though you can feel the road because the soles are so worn. he walked over to me, with a bottle in a paper bag in his hand, & hugged me tight while I cried into his silky hair. we reminisced about my brother... our brother. i told him that i wanted him to always keep in touch with me, to in some way stay in sporadic contact, so that i would be able to be reminded of scottie tangibly. he smiled proudly & reassured me that he would. then i watched him walk to where the candles with lit in the cold, pick up a pile of snow, & sculpt my brother's nub - a permanent "hang-loose" hand - & leave it next to his empty 40 ounce beer bottle.

i recently saw ryan last month in rittenhouse during one of my visits there with my mom. he was super happy to see us & promptly made sure to put his shirt on before he gave us each a hug. he chatted with my mom while i zigzagged behind harry as he excitedly & clumsily made his way around the fountain. we eventually found our way back & ryan sweetly & sincerely doted on my son. somehow, it was like seeing scott take pride in his nephew. it was the last time i would see ryan alive.

yesterday morning, i woke up to find a facebook message from "sevenfingers arebetter thanten" - a name ryan had been using since my brother died in january. i hadn't heard from anyone about scottie in months, so receiving a thought from him was surprising & much appreciated. i wrote him back:

Thanks Ryan. Good to hear from you. It's almost like hearing from my bro himself. I hope you are happy & safe & staying cool. Much much love to you too. I guess I really needed your message thanks again

i thought about him a lot that day. & karen, scott's high school girlfriend who had also written to me out of the blue that morning - asking me how i was holding up. i told her it was a hard time, but it was nice to hear from her & ryan. she said she had seen ryan a few weeks ago & that they had bonded over scott stories & she would tell me about them next time she saw me. last night i was telling mike about how happy i was to read their notes. how hearing from ryan was like hearing from scottie, & it felt so nice to know that he was thinking of me. how strange it is to feel a bond with someone you don't know very well - but somehow, life is bigger than your unknowing.

i woke up to find out that ryan had been hit by a truck while tagging a sign soon after he wrote me that message yesterday morning. i took the news much harder than i ever would have anticipated. i cried to the point of barely being able to breathe. i felt like i was going to lose the breakfast i had just consumed. i felt like i was losing my brother all over again. i made this relative stranger into the physical reminder of my brother; someone, whom i could see on occasion, who could transport me back to feeling what it was like to be around my brother - even if it was in passing moments & fleeting glimpses. so quickly he was gone. my brother's brother. & i felt so utterly alone.

ryan's note reads just like something my brother would write. & maybe, in some cosmic way, scott prompted ryan to write to me, knowing how i felt about him, so that i would be able to feel his love one last time. if that's so, thank you ryan, for channeling my brother the past 6 months, for accepting him & loving him, for being the free spirit that you were made to me & writing me this beautiful message:

• • hang loose for life
  • may eternal love bless u and ur family...love yall forewver...gnight