the fighters

it's strange the things that will stimulate memories of scott. a song, movie, smell, food, or walk to the park with harry can make me cry almost instantaneously. i guess it's nice knowing that he won't ever be forgotten. but at the same time, it's hard to stay happy for a long stretch of time. how can i, when scottie is brought to mind so regularly throughout my day? i wake up in the middle of the night, already thinking about him. & it's nearly impossible to fall back asleep again. i know it's only been 6 weeks, but i'm wondering if this will ever get easier; when will the raw, open wound eventually start to become a raised, purple scar.

last night mike & i went to see the fighter. i don't want to ruin the movie for anyone so if you want to be completely surprised, maybe skip this paragraph; but i won't be spilling some crazy twist or anything & let me strongly recommend seeing the film. it's based on the true story of brother boxers dicky eklund & micky ward. dicky had once been a renowned fighter & had defeated sugar ray leonard in the late 70s. micky was 10 years younger, & was being trained by dicky to become a champion boxer in his own right. it was apparent early on that dicky had some sort of drug problem, which you find out is his dependency on crack. this addiction, inevitably, leads to all sorts of problems for not only dicky, but micky as well. dicky ends up getting arrested & going to jail, where he is forced to get clean. when he gets out, dicky is faced with the reality that he had been blissfully ignorant to while smoking crack: that he put his brother in dangerous situations numerous times, that he had hurt & lied to his family, that it would be so simple to walk right back to his crack house & drug addicted friends. which he did. but instead of opening the door & lighting the pipe, dicky was able to say goodbye & walk away. you could see the turmoil within him, how badly & easily he could get high, but how empowering it was for him to walk away.

it was such a bittersweet moment for me. of course i wanted dicky to be able to overcome his addiction & go on & be a good father to his small son, to bring reconciliation to his family, to lead micky to a championship title. but i wanted that for my little brother, scottie. i wanted him to be the fighter & stand victorious. but it is a fantasy that i will only dream about. i am envious of dicky's sisters & brothers for not knowing the pain of having to lose their brother to an overdose. i will always be plagued with why scott was the one to die when there are other addicts who will keep on living, with second, third & fourth chances. some never choose to clean up & spend the rest of their lives using. why wasn't scott given another option?

today, scottie's name was put on a list of others whose lives were lost to drugs. it hurts my being to see his name added to such an extensive list, that i know isn't even near complete. but i am reminded that with each name, there are other sisters who have lost their brothers. & we are left to live always wondering & always wishing, with a distinctly shaped hole in our hearts that will only be filled when we are somehow reunited with our lost loved ones. & i am comforted, if only for a moment, by the fact that i am not alone in these feelings, these experiences, these innumerable inquiries. that we will always be fighting together for a moment of understanding & of peace.

rilke says, "live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers."

i pray it is so.

for all of us.

amen.

here is a link to scott, & others, who died because of drug addiction.